Thinking Back on Troy

Today marks the third anniversary of my brother's death. I've been thinking about him for the last few days now. I have also realized that I've never even written about his death, not even in a journal, about what and how it happened. But today will be different....

.... I want to go back in time a little bit and revisit all that happened during that last week of his life. It was one of the most gut-wrenching, painful times in my life and surely for the rest of my family as well. I may not write down all of the details correctly, it has been awhile and even now my memory feels a little fuzzy about it. This post will be quite long but I need to write about this for my own benefit, so that I have a record of it somewhere. You are welcome to read along! I will be posting photos that Todd took, so all credit of the photos goes to him - hope you don't mind me using them, Todd. Thanks! :)

My brother, Troy, was three years older than me. During this time he was 33 and I was 30 years old. For the last year of his life, Troy's body had been struggling. He had been in an accident about a year before his death that left his arm badly damaged and had to undergo several surgeries and skin grafts. It seemed like after that, his body never truly recovered but got worse. He started having problems and it was discovered that he had blood clots running throughout his body, which can be very dangerous and life-threatening.

At the church after the funeral, getting ready to head to the cemetery.
The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with Troy and didn't know why he was having all these blood clots. By this time it wasn't just a few blood clots but his body was now being filled with them, I think through the liver. It was decided that he needed to undergo an exploratory surgery to see if the doctors could find out what was going on and to check if his cancer had come back (Troy had cancer back when he was 12 years old.)

I remember that morning telling Jed that I felt like I needed to go see him at the hospital before the surgery. Jed agreed and we both went together. We had a really good talk with Troy. He was in a "good place" at this time in his life. He wanted to make good decisions and was trying to get his life squared away. I told him he could do it and that I loved him, gave him a hug and he was off to surgery. Little did I know that this moment would be the last time I would ever hear his voice or see him smile or have the chance to tell him that I loved him. *sniffle sniffle - man, I'm already crying, this is harder than I thought it would be*

The pallbearers getting ready to carry the casket to the gravesite.

A little while later, Jed called me and told me he was coming to pick me up and to get ready for him, he said that it had something to do with Troy. My heart sank, I knew something was wrong. He pulled up in his police car because he was working a shift at that time. He came in and told me that "Troy is dying and we need to go now." Somehow I already knew. I said ok and we got in the car and we sped off towards the hospital. I didn't know anything else that was going on so the questions would have to wait until I got there.


At the hospital, I was met by my Aunt who was there. She told us that the doctors had just finished up with the surgery when Troy had suffered a cardiac arrest and his heart had stopped beating. His heart didn't beat for 12 minutes while his body was being shocked continually with the defibrillators. Eventually the doctors got his heart to start beating again but now the concern was how his body had reacted to the lack of oxygen during that time.

Now I was looking for my mom and dad, where were they? Where's Troy? So what does this all mean? I was escorted to a room where the doctor was talking to my parents for the second time. My aunt had previously told me that when the doctor came in the first time to tell my mom and dad what was going on (while they were still thumping on Troy's body, trying to get his heart to start beating again), that my mom had dropped to her knees, crying and begging the doctor to save her son. So I was expecting to enter into a very emotional scene, but no, my mom and dad were now quietly listening to the doctor this time. I just sat and listened. I can't remember all that the doctor said, it is a blur to me now. I just remember looking at my parents' faces, trying to discover their reaction to the whole situation and if the news was good or bad.


Troy was then purposely induced into a coma and put on breathing ventilators until the doctors could survey the damage to his brain. Jed called my two sisters and our other brother to let them know what was going on. Later on my mom, dad, me, Jed, my aunt, and cousin Sadie were able to go and see our brother in the Intensive Care Unit. I remember walking into that room and seeing my brother laying on the hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines to keep his heart and breathing going, everything in his body was being monitored. He was so still. His face and body were very swollen. He didn't look good.

The rest of the week all runs together in my mind, it was such a long, hard week. During that time the rest of my siblings joined us along with many other family members and friends over the next few days. We spend that week alongside Troy in his ICU room or in the private waiting room where we slept, ate, and talked. Each day was up and down, waiting for test results and what the doctors would tell us next. At some point, they stopped giving him the medicine that kept him in a coma. Even after that, Troy never moved, opened his eyes, or gave us any kind of indication that he was there mentally or physically. He still just laid there, lifeless.

Finally, on September 5, 2007, the doctors confirmed after several tests that his brain had been damaged to the point that it had absolutely no brain activity - he was permanently brain dead. He would never be conscious in any kind of way again. His body would only continue to live as long as he was kept on life support. We cried and cried, throughout the whole week we cried. But now we knew what the outcome would be. Our family had been praying and fasting throughout the week for many things but to also know what to do if we were given the challenge of choosing to keep him on life support or not. Our family's decision was unanimous - let Troy go. None of us wanted to keep him here in mortality in a vegetative state. It is not a life he would want.

I remember that night some of us, my mom and dad, my brother, and I went to get something to eat at a nearby restaurant while we were waiting for the rest of the family to arrive in town. I guess our solemn mood was very apparent to our waitress because she said, "You all look like someone has just died." Little did this lady know that in a few hours our brother would be dead. I think we told her that it had been a long week and we were all just tired. No one was in the mood to say anything else.

Finally around midnight when the whole family was gathered together in Troy's hospital room, we each took our turn kissing, crying and telling Troy goodbye. We then all stood around his bed and watched the nurse turn off all of the machines. It suddenly became quiet. We watched and waited and cried.

After a few minutes, Troy's head suddenly starting turning from the side position to a forward position and his eyes seemed to look up passed all of us. He even looked to me as though he was smiling. This moment was amazing and we all looked at each other with curiosity. I don't know what was happening at that moment - Troy had not twitched or moved a single time throughout the whole week. It was a miracle to watch this happen. His face and expression looked like he was ready for the next stage in his life and that there were other spirits in the room waiting for Troy as well. Troy's breathing became quickly shallower and shallower, finally his heart stopped and he was suddenly gone. It was about 10 minutes from the time the machines were turned off to the time he was declared dead, but it seemed like much longer. I'll never forget that night and what we were blessed to see. It was a very special, heart-wrenching moment.

My mom and sister.I have never had someone so close to me die before this. I mean, I'd already had a few of my grandparents die, but it feels like a different situation. Among the sadness, you're almost happy for old people when they die. My grandparents were able to live full, long lives and their death doesn't come as much of a surprise, you know it's going to happen. But Troy's death felt much different - it was sudden and very painful. I have never felt this kind of sadness before, it was new to me. Troy was still relatively young and he had a little girl that called him daddy.


My brother-in-law, Ben, and my brother, Cory.
Our family

The viewing and funeral were amazing. Sooooo many people came that we had not seen in years. During the viewing, the waiting line extended all the way to the outside of the building. I realized then just what an influence Troy had been for so many people. There were people from all walks of life there - a testament to Troy's love for people and willingness to befriend others, no matter who they were.

Honestly, we felt so much love from all those that attended these events it was really hard not to smile upon seeing everyone. I hope this didn't give anyone the wrong impression. This really was a hard time for us, but when there were so many people extending their love and support it was hard not to show our happiness and gratitude for them too. It was a great strength to our whole family.


So many cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends came out to support our family. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to see everyone. Their support during this time really buoyed us up.

From left, my sisters: Jodi, Penni, and then me.

My niece, Kaylee, crying in her grandpa's arms.

Troy's only daughter, Drewe, sitting on her grandma's lap during the funeral.

Drewe with her daddy's casket.

Drewe and her mom, Amber.

Drewe with her grandparents.

Family just mingling. I am a few months pregnant with Rigdon here and just starting to poke out a little bit. :)

Our family hanging out with my cousin, Sy, and Karl.

My sister and brother-in-law.

My grandparents.

The Hansen family: my mom, dad, Jodi, me, Penni, and Cory.

We love and miss you Troy. Hope you are doing well and happy where you are. I know I will see you again one day.